About S & M

I decided to read, again, because of something the woman I love said, 50 Shades of Grey. The first time I read it I didn't understand what all the fuss was about. Maybe because I read enough erotica in todorelatos and other books way better that this one or maybe because it reminded me of a Harlequin novel. I thought the plot was entreating but nothing to deserve a bestseller. I guess the appeal lies in the S&M subject and the fact for most women the world of S & M is something dark, mysterious and alluring.

But the reason I read it again is personal for my compulsive need to understand...but I really just found myself more dumbfounded that ever. I wanted to comprehend the allure, what is so enticing about S & M? I confess, I am a control freak. My ex (or whatever she is right now beside the woman I love) says that if I could read her thoughts and feel her feeling I would do it. She is right. I will exchange anything to be able to get inside her, I find the experience of being that close, of knowing her, reading her, guessing what she wants and what she needs  both intimate, romantic and fucking  erotic.

So yes, I am a total control freak, I am overprotective and dominant. I would be an ideal candidate for the dominant role in a  S&M relationship or contract  or whatever it is.  And I have played in the dominant role and even the submissive role, and it's exciting, erotic, the total power over someone gives a rush that is sexually powerful and same goes with being in total submission to somebody else, the level of trust, of intimacy that enhances sex to new levels. But the same can be experience with many other sexual games, game being the most important word because for me that is the main difference, when is a game to be played by two consensual adults but to live an entirely relationship like that all the time for me is absurd. Why would I want to have a puppet as my partner? Someone that is so weak that gives up their way of living to do what I want, what I demand?

In my experience is vital an adventurous and thrill-seeking sexual attitude in myself and my partner it makes the relationship exciting, fun and it helps it endure. So yes, I want to tie you down and I want you to tie me up, I want to blindfold you and I want you to blindfold me, I want to use sexual toys, traditional and not so traditional ones, on you and on me... I even want to play, occasionally  in the edge of pain and pleasure, but I also want to surprise you with an impossible romantic scene with music and candles and the whole nine yards; I want to have voyeuristic sex and I want to have tantric sex and I want you to sweep me out of my feet, I want messages on the mirror before going to work, and silly notes in bed to you, I want post it and flowers I want mix music list I want breakfast in bed  I want to make love to you so sweet so light so tender that makes you want to cry because you feel me worshiping you and for you to  want to do the same to me.

I want someone who is my partner not my slave, I want someone with opinions who challenges me to be the best I can be, who pushes me to my limits who doesn't agree with me and makes me see their point of view. I want the arguments, I want differences, I want the fights, I want to compromise, I want us to have separated worlds that we decide to share with each other when we want,  I want somebody who knows what they want and try to get it even when I don't agree. Why would anyone want to tell their partner what to wear, what to do, what to eat, how to talk and even more important why would I want somebody that doesn't look me in the eye and laughs at me when I am just being stupid? I want her to laugh at me and tell me, Irina please, you are being stupid,  you are wrong, pull yourself together  I want her to be to hold my hand without me asking because she knows I need it or because she needs it, or better yet, we both need it.

Why  would I want to do it any of those things myself? Why would anyone want to give up their free will , their own way of thinking, their freedom?

So my love to you I said in our sexual life I wanted it all and in LIFE I want an peer not a marionette, a full grown mature completely independent I will tell you when you are wrong, I know what I want, I will be strong and vulnerable, I will show you my darkeners and my light, I will look into your eyes and tell you the truth, woman.  Not this need to hide to be "mysterious" because you think nobody will love you when they see you like you are, for what you are, not this chameleon that transform itself in whatever she thinks the person is near wants. Not someone that doesn't make decisions because she is too afraid and just goes on in life letting thing "flow" until she finds herself in place she never wanted to be in the first place. Decisions are always, always made, either by yourself consciously, by omission or worse by other for you; is a lie to yourself to believe that decisions are not being made just because you drag your feet and say I don't know. That  for me is truly being submissive. Is that what anyone wants? Do you want to be?

Like I said so many times, in my repetitive neurotic way, I want you to be my companion, my lover,  my best friend, my family, my mate, my partner, my other half.  Every one of these things and every single one of this things. Entirely.

I deserve it. And I will tell you a secret you don't know, you deserve it too.